Who am I?

Life is strange!

Sometimes we do things in life without even thinking how lasting their impact can be and when we might be revisited by them.

When I started writing on the World Wide Web – back in 1996 – I changed my language of writing from Urdu to English. Before that, Urdu had been my primary language – at least for writing. I had worked hard to be able to write in a way that would be comprehensible for a common educated person. For almost seven years I wrote exclusively in the Urdu language. I have an impression from the comments of a few of my close and ‘blunt’ friends that I had developed into an acceptably readable writer.

In 1996, I was accidentally introduced to the internet. I was immediately stuck on the idea that the World Wide Web was the media of the future. I started thinking about how to use it. No one among my colleagues and teachers agreed with me at that time. In fact, I was sometimes even dissuaded and discouraged from trying to go for it. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a try – even if only as an experiment. It was then that I decided to revive my “prowess” of the English language.

Another factor that had kept me from writing in the English language – even though the institution that I was affiliated with was producing a monthly English journal of its own – was that my proficiency in the language was not considered to be of an acceptable level. One of my very well-wishing colleagues once remarked that if I wanted to write in English, I should learn some basic rules of the language first. Unfortunately, however, my impatience to express myself always overwhelmed and strangled the patience which was required to learn the art of expression.

It was in this background that in 1996 I started writing in the English language. Also, most probably, it was because of this background that my initial writings were written under a pseudonym.

We – humans – have the ability and the intelligence to justify our decisions and actions. We can fabricate an apparently morally superior motive for our decisions and actions than the one that is real. Although its been close to 24-years, but today I have a feeling that that was my case when I was asked to explain my reason for writing under a pseudonym. My answer then was that I do not want to write for fame or for being known. But, as I look back today – almost 24-years later – I have serious doubts that my answer fully depicted my intentions. I think a more accurate reason could have been my fear of failure that discouraged me from using my real name.

So, it was a pseudonym that I started writing under. The name that I selected for myself at that time was “The Learner.”

I liked the sound as well as the implication of this name. It clearly meant that I was not writing from a position of authority, but was actually using my writings as a learning process. It also continuously reminded me that there should be no place for the arrogance of certainty and closed-mindedness in my life as “The Learner.” Although, I continued writing under this pseudonym for almost a year, but I was so fond of this name that even my email address at that time had the same handle “learner.” This email address lasted for almost 8-years. Then, some time in 2005, I opened a “gmail” account, where I started operating my email account with my real name, after which “The Learner” was completely abandoned.

Thus, “The Learner” is what transpired in my life almost a quarter-of-a-century back.

A few months back, while reading a book, I was confronted with a very interesting and important question. The book asked me “Who are you and what is the identity that you have chosen for yourself?” It also reminded me that when faced with this question, we have a tendency to answer it by naming our position, responsibility, or work. Most of us may answer this question with words like politician, service-man, teacher, student, mother, father, manager, accountant, or bureaucrat, etc. However, these words do not tell who we are or what our identity is. On the contrary, these are all transient positions that we hold in the journey of our lives. Our identity should not be dependent on something that is transient, because then our identity too will lack any permanence. The key is to describe yourself with a name that is big enough to contain your whole life, as you imagine it today.

With all these instructions in mind, I set out on a search. It did not take me long to answer the question. My quarter-of-a-century-old pseudonym came to my rescue as the first part of my answer, and my learnings during these years provided me with the second part. I wrote down on a 3”X 3” post-it, which was lying on my study table:

I am a learner and a contributor to the rejuvenation of the human spirit.

December 05, 2019
(Lahore, Pakistan)