Sibling Rivalry, Bragging, and the Illusion of Control

 

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In everyday life, many of us find ourselves entangled in subtle rivalries, particularly within families. Among siblings, conversations that begin innocently can easily slip into comparisons and self-bragging. One brother praises his son’s academic success, another highlights his daughter’s achievements, and before long, the gathering becomes a competition stage. Often these accounts are exaggerated, but the deeper problem is not the boasting itself—it is the sense of superiority that fuels it.

From Individuality to Superiority

While it is natural for each sibling to assert individuality, over time, individuality can harden into a sense of being better than the others. This competitive instinct is not new; it is deeply embedded in subcontinental culture. In many households, siblings use achievements as markers of status, such as who got into a better university, who married into a “better” family, or whose children are more successful. What begins as sharing joy easily turns into silent scorekeeping.

But when we pause to reflect, this attitude reveals a serious flaw: how much of these successes were truly under our control? Can we truly take credit for a child’s intelligence, or for the opportunities that appear at the right time? Even our next breath is not in our control—how then can we boast as if life’s outcomes were solely our own making?

Cultural Hierarchies Within Families

In families, rivalry is compounded by cultural hierarchies. Elders often assume an unquestionable authority—“I am older, so I cannot be wrong.” Younger siblings, no matter how rational their point, are silenced or forced to withdraw. In such situations, speaking directly against elders can offend, yet remaining silent feels unjust.

A wiser approach is neither confrontation nor surrender, but gentle clarity. One may respond: “I respect your perspective, but my values are different. Competing for worldly success is not my focus. My effort is directed toward the life to come.” Such a response avoids disrespect while quietly redirecting the conversation toward what truly matters.

Competing in the Right Race

The truth is that the “worldly race” never ends. Even if one overtakes siblings in wealth, status, or children’s achievements, the race continues with new benchmarks. And eventually, every participant leaves the track midway—no one completes the race of dunya.

The Qur’an reminds us that the real competition is not for worldly superiority but for eternal success. Here lies the stark difference: in this world, one may work hard yet receive no results, or gain results without effort. In the Hereafter, however, effort is never wasted: “For each person, only what they strive for will be rewarded.” (Qur’an 53:39).

This realization transforms our perspective. Instead of boasting about our children’s grades or careers, we acknowledge that outcomes are a mix of divine will, circumstances, and chance. Our responsibility is effort—not results.

A Practical Response in Family Gatherings

So what should one do when family conversations drift toward bragging? The response can be firm yet straightforward:

“I’d prefer not to join in this competition. To me, humility is dearer to God than boasting. Whatever my children have achieved is by God’s grace, not my own doing.”

Such honesty can plant a seed of reflection in others’ hearts. Even if it does not, it preserves one’s own sincerity and prevents entanglement in unhealthy rivalries.

Conclusion

Sibling bragging and rivalry are typical, but they stem from a dangerous illusion—that outcomes are in our control. When we remember that every achievement is bound by divine will and chance, pride loses its appeal. The actual race is not over who shines brightest in this world, but who remains humble, sincere, and steadfast in striving for the Hereafter.

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Character Development vs. Personality Development

 

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In today’s world, we often hear schools, universities, training institutes, and even religious organizations discussing character building. Yet, on closer inspection, much of what is offered under this banner is not actual character development—it is personality development. Though the two are related, they are not the same. Understanding their distinction is vital if we want to raise children, guide students, or shape ourselves into morally strong human beings.

Personality Development: The Visible Surface

Personality development concerns what is seen—the image one presents to others. It is about the way we speak, dress, behave in public, and manage impressions. In professional life, these are often the qualities listed on a résumé: confidence, leadership, teamwork, communication skills, and appearance.

For example, a university student in Lahore, might be coached to give an interview with polished English, a firm handshake, and smart attire. These qualities indeed leave a good impression, but they reveal little about the person’s honesty, patience, or compassion. Similarly, a shopkeeper in Lahore may display courtesy by saying “Thank you, ji” to every customer, but whether he is fair in his dealings—whether he gives full measure and doesn’t cheat—belongs to the domain of character, not personality.

Personality traits are helpful, but they are masks that can be put on or taken off. A person may appear polite in a two-hour meeting yet shout abusively at his driver afterward.

Character Development: The Invisible Depth

Character development, on the other hand, deals with what lies beneath—the values and inner processes that guide behavior when no one is watching. Integrity, humility, self-control, patience, honesty, and empathy are matters of character. These cannot be convincingly faked for long, nor confined to selected situations.

For instance, a man may appear very respectable in his community—invariably well-dressed and articulate—but at home, he may be intolerant and harsh with his wife or children. This shows a developed personality but an undeveloped character. Conversely, consider a humble village teacher who may not impress anyone with stylish clothing or eloquence, yet whose honesty, fairness, and deep concern for students leave a lasting impact on them. That is character.

Why the Confusion?

The confusion arises because we often judge people by their outward behavior, assuming that good manners equal good character. Parents frequently say they want to instill “character” in their children, but then focus only on surface behaviors, such as saying “sorry” and “thank you,” greeting elders with a salaam, or maintaining proper dining etiquette. While these are critical social skills, they are personality traits.

The deeper question is: why does the child resist saying thank you, or why does he lose his temper easily? Unless we explore the inner processes—thoughts, beliefs, emotions—behind behaviors, we are only polishing the surface.

 

The Trap of Behaviorism

Our education systems have also contributed to this confusion. Schools tend to reward outward compliance, such as sitting quietly, memorizing facts, and obeying rules. As a result, parents and teachers often equate good behavior with good character.

Take a familiar scene: a child begins shouting or “acting out” at home. Parents quickly label it as disobedience or manipulation. But few pause to ask: What is the child feeling? What thought process is driving this behavior? Without this inquiry, parents often try to control outward behavior, rather than understanding and nurturing inner growth. This is behaviorism—reducing a person to visible actions, ignoring the inner life.

Natural vs. Man-Made Systems

A powerful analogy helps explain this difference. Personality can be manipulated like man-made systems. For instance, students often “cram” before exams, memorizing material in two days that should have been absorbed over six months. They may secure high grades, yet genuine learning—encompassing critical thinking, creativity, and ethical reflection—remains absent.

Character development, however, is like agriculture, a natural system. You cannot cram a harvest. A peanut crop in Chakwal needs timely rains, careful soil preparation, and patient waiting. Similarly, virtues like patience or honesty require sustained inner cultivation: no shortcuts, no masks—only genuine growth.

The Role of Religion and Role Models

Religious education in our region has often fallen into the same trap: recitation of scripture without deep reflection. A child may memorize Qur’anic verses yet not learn the virtues of humility, compassion, or justice. Actual religious training must engage the heart and conscience, not just the tongue.

In reality, character is most powerfully shaped not by lectures but by role modeling. A toddler does not need to be formally taught to say “thank you”. If he regularly hears his parents expressing gratitude, he will naturally mimic it. In one family, a one-and-a-half-year-old began saying “EQ” (his way of saying “thank you”) simply because he heard it modeled around him. Such is the power of the environment on character formation.

Personality Masks vs. Character Reality

The key difference is consistency. Personality can be adjusted depending on the audience: a teacher may appear patient in front of students but lose his temper at home. Character, however, shows itself across settings. If patience and humility are truly cultivated inside, they will emerge in traffic jams, in family disagreements, and in stressful workplaces.

This is why lasting relationships—marriages, deep friendships, family ties—are built not on personality but on character. People may be drawn to personality, but they trust and remain loyal to character.

Moving Forward: From Appearances to Inner Growth

Actual development means shifting our focus from appearances to inner processes. Instead of asking “How can I look confident?” we must ask “Why do I feel insecure?” Instead of forcing children to behave politely, we must explore “What stops them from showing kindness naturally?”

Encouragement, reflection, and shared accountability are essential. It is generally observed that families often emphasize weaknesses—scolding a child for 30 marks in mathematics while overlooking 90 marks in English. But character flourishes more through encouragement than criticism. We must create environments where vulnerabilities can be acknowledged, not hidden, and where growth is nurtured from within.

Conclusion

Personality development polishes the surface; character development transforms the core. Personality can win an interview, impress a crowd, or secure temporary recognition. But character sustains trust, builds lifelong relationships, and shapes how we are remembered when we are gone.

As individuals, parents, teachers, and communities, our challenge is to move beyond masks and appearances and to cultivate the roots of integrity, humility, and compassion. For in the end, it is not the résumé traits that define us, but the eulogy traits—how people remember our truth, our love, and our integrity long after we are gone.

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Reflection Can Lead to Social Withdrawal

 

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Periods of deep learning and reflection often bring with them a kind of silence. When the mind is absorbed in new insights, a person may naturally become quieter, preferring thought over constant speech. This silence, however, is not always easy to carry in social or professional settings. Others may misinterpret it, seeing withdrawal as aloofness, lack of confidence, or even disinterest. The challenge is not only to nurture inner growth but also to balance it with the realities of social life.

Silence and Misunderstanding

Silence born out of reflection can easily be misunderstood. In many environments, particularly workplaces, there is an expectation to display confidence, to assert oneself, and sometimes even to exaggerate abilities. A quiet presence in such settings can create the impression of weakness or detachment, even when the silence is simply the result of thoughtful processing.

Social Expectations vs. Humility

Modern professional culture often rewards self-promotion, encouraging people to present themselves as more accomplished than they really are. Yet true humility lies in recognizing that achievements are not earned by personal effort alone. They are the outcome of opportunities, circumstances, and divine facilitation. The degrees, experiences, and positions one holds are not guaranteed; they could easily have been withheld or removed. To remember this is to remain grounded and free from arrogance.

A Practical Exercise in Balance

One practical way to cultivate this balance is to keep two resumes: the one presented to others, highlighting achievements as required, and a private “parallel resume” meant only for oneself. This second record should acknowledge the role of circumstances, the help of others, and thegrace of God in every milestone. Such a practice builds inner humility and guards against the subtle pride that self-presentation can generate.

Choosing Conversations Wisely

Reflection can also make everyday conversations feel meaningless. In such moments, it is acceptable to step back from idle talk. However, silence should not mean total withdrawal. Purposeful and beneficial conversations remain essential for human connection and growth. What matters is choosing when to speak and when to remain quiet — and doing so without judgment of others, remembering that we too once engaged in the very same patterns of talk.

Mindset Above All

At the heart of this struggle is mindset. Whether one speaks or remains silent, the key is to act with the awareness that all strength and achievement come from God. Progress in life is not deserved by personal merit alone but granted through divine guidance and opportunity. Maintaining this awareness protects against both arrogance in success and despair in struggle.

✨ Conclusion

Reflection may lead to silence, and silence may sometimes resemble social withdrawal. But when anchored in humility, clarity of intention, and mindful choice, this quietness need not become a weakness. It can instead become a source of inner strength — a reminder that both our words and our silences carry meaning when aligned with truth, gratitude, and purpose.

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Life as a Test: Finding Meaning in Trials

 

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Many people face moments when life changes suddenly — an accident, an illness, or a loss that shakes everything. In those moments, it is easy to ask “Why me?” or to believe that hardship must be a punishment. Yet, faith teaches a different perspective: life in its entirety is a test.

Ease and Hardship as Tests

Often, we take our blessings such as health, comfort, or wealth for granted. We tend not to even notice them. Yet, being deprived of a blessing is seen as unfair, unjust, or sometimes a punishment. In reality, both ease and hardship are tests. What we receive is not always a sign of favor, and what we lose is not necessarily a sign of disapproval. Every state of life — whether joy or struggle — is an opportunity to measure our response.

The Central Role of Response

Suffering itself is not within our control. Illness, accidents, and sudden changes come without our choosing. What is in our control is the response. If hardship drives us into despair, complaint, or denial, the test is failed. But if it leads to patience, humility, and turning toward God, then the very same hardship becomes a blessing.

This is why trials are not inherently curses; they can be opportunities for purification. Through them, a person may find closeness to God that they never discovered in times of ease.

The Forgotten Test of Ease

Interestingly, comfort and success can be even more deceptive. When life is smooth, few see it as a trial. We easily consider it an entitlement, forgetting gratitude. Yet, ease is as much a test as difficulty, if not more. Failing to recognize blessings as temporary trusts can be more damaging than facing pain.

A Broader Perspective on Life

To see life only in terms of this world makes trials appear cruel and senseless. But when viewed as part of a larger journey, they take on new meaning. Each day — whether lived in comfort or in hardship — becomes a chance to grow in nearness to the Creator. The real question is not why something happened, but how one chooses to respond.

Conclusion

Life is not a sequence of rewards and punishments; it is a series of tests. Ease tests our gratitude, while hardship tests our patience. What counts is not the condition we are placed in, but the response we give. When hardships are met with faith and perseverance, they become hidden blessings, preparing us for the ultimate success in the life to come.

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Imagination – A Natural Help in Forming New Habits

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“What about imagination?” I asked. “How can that be helpful in replacing any of our habits?”

“To understand the importance of imagination in helping us overcome and alter any of the habits that we feel are undesirable, due to any reason, we will need to briefly understand some relevant characteristics of our brain.” He said. Then, as if he was trying to buy time to arrange his thoughts, he stood up and asked, “I am going to make myself some coffee. Would you like to have some?”

“Sure.” I said, “But I would like to have my coffee in milk if that is not a problem.”

He looked at me with a smile and then disappeared in the kitchen. From behind the kitchen wall and through the open door, he said “All that I need, when I make my coffee is water, the Nescafe instant coffee-jar, with sufficient coffee in it, and the water kettle. Through experience, I know where all these things are. If someone were to disturb the placement of these things, it would affect the speed of my work, would slow me down, and sometimes even frustrate me. Now, when you told me to make your coffee in milk – which I am not so used to making – I have to figure out where the milk is in the refrigerator, which utensil to use to boil it and where to find that utensil, and the appropriate amount of instant coffee powder to put in the milk. Do you see how our habits facilitate and make doing the routine tasks easier for us, while because of the same habitual patterns, we can sometimes feel frustrated and blank when we have to do something which we are not used to doing?”

While he was talking, I too had walked into the kitchen and was standing behind him. As he finished, I said, “Yes. I understand that.”

Walking back into his library and sitting on his comfortable revolving chair, he said, “One of the characteristics of our brain is that it forms connections. Whenever we experience something new, a new connection is formed in our brain. These experiences can be of any number of kinds, from merely an exposure to a new word, or a conversation that gives us a new perspective or challenges any of our existing perspectives to suddenly being faced with a new life situation, as having to make coffee in milk.” He said, ending with light laughter.

He remained quiet for a few seconds, anticipating me to comment. I didn’t say anything. After almost a minute, he continued, “As we repeat our experiences, the connections in our brains are strengthened. And this develops our habits, whether they relate to the words we generally use in our speech and writings, or to respond to others’ comments or actions, or to carry out everyday life chores – like making coffee. On the other hand, if an experience is not repeated over a long time, the connection is weakened and, sometimes, the experience may even slip out of our consciousness. For instance, after being exposed and introduced to a new word, if you do not use it or are not exposed to it for some time, its meaning and usage can easily slip out of your conscious memory.

“Another relevant characteristic of our brain is that it cannot distinguish between reality and imagination. When you imagine something in sufficient detail and immerse yourself in that image, it is as good as real for the brain.” Suddenly, he stood up and walked to the bookshelf on his left and took out a small, blue-colored book. I could read the title ‘Silva Mind Control Method.’ He shuffled through the pages. Then finding what he was looking for, he started reading out from it:

Imagine that you are standing in your kitchen holding a lemon that you have just taken from the refrigerator. It feels cold in your hand. Look at the outside of it, its yellow skin. It is a waxy yellow, and the skin comes to small green points at the two ends. Squeeze it a little and feel its firmness and its weight.

Now raise the lemon to your nose and smell it. Nothing smells quite like a lemon, does it? Now cut the lemon in half and smell it. The odor is stronger. Now bite deeply into the lemon and let the juice swirl around in your mouth. Nothing tastes quite like a lemon either, does it?

At this point, if you have used your imagination well, your mouth will be watering.

 

He closed the book and looking at me, he asked, “Do you understand what it means?”

“Yes,” I replied. “But I do not understand how this characteristic of the brain can be a helpful tool in getting rid of any of our undesired habits?”

“Keep in mind how habits are formed in the first place,” he said. “As I mentioned earlier, it is the repetition of our actions that forms our habits. When you do something repeatedly, it naturally becomes easier for you to keep doing it and more difficult for you to change it. This is the time that that action has become a habit. Now, if you combine this fact with the understanding that our brain cannot distinguish between something that we are actually doing and something that we are only imagining, you will see how our faculty of imagination can help us in forming new habits and replacing old ones.”

“Can you please explain how can we practically make it happen?” I had my question ready, even before he completed his sentence.

“Some time back, I developed the realization that whenever something transpired that was not to my liking or in keeping with my expectations, I would start getting uptight, extremely tense, angry, and frustrated. I would immediately start looking for whose fault it was and then try to confront the ‘perpetrator’ with my inquisition. As you can guess, it rarely solved any problems and never succeeded in righting the wrong that had already transpired. But, it did create a lot of heightened tensions in my relationships and caused me further agony over my role in those strained relationships. Once I had this realization, I wanted to get rid of this habit…”

“Did you decide about your motive for change?” I interjected.

“Yes. My agony over strained relations was giving me a clear message that I needed to be more understanding, more caring, more compassionate, and more accommodating so that people – and especially those closely related to me – could feel comfortable being their real selves with me.” He replied quickly and then continued, “So, having decided to try and get rid of this habit, I used the imaging-technique. I would sit silently just imagining and visualizing – in as much detail as possible – a scene that would generally trigger tension, anger, and frustration in me. But, in my visualization, rather than getting tensed, angry, or frustrated, I would imagine staying calm and telling myself that nothing is worth straining my relationships with those who are so dear to me. I would imagine refraining from making judgments about the situation and listening to everyone involved in it, trying to understand their individual perspectives. Then I would imagine responding to the situation in a manner that would safeguard and protect anyone involved in the situation from being hurt or distressed.

“In the beginning, this imagination seemed unreal. As if my brain was resisting my calm response to the situation. However, as I continued practicing the imaging-technique, it gradually became easier for my brain to accept it as an alternative reality.

“However, not too long after I started this practice of visualization, I became more conscious of my reactions. Even if I could still not control them, there was definitely an inner voice that prompted me to stop. Then, after a few weeks of continuing to practice the imaging-technique, I started controlling my reactions too – not every time but there was some improvement that I experienced and felt encouraged with.

“I cannot say that I have completely overcome my old reactive habit, but I know that I am moving in my desired direction, even if only one step at a time.” Then he looked at me smiling – a smile with a slight touch of embarrassment, I reckoned – and asked, “Does this example clarify the role imagination can play in forming new habits?”

“Yes. I think it does,” I said, nodding my head.

 

Lahore, Pakistan
June 09, 2020

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A Strong Motive – A Necessary Ingredient

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He was quiet for a while. Probably, he was anticipating a question or a comment from me. But my total surprise at what he had said did not even allow me to open my mouth. I was still trying to digest what he had said, when I heard him continue, “Before moving on to any further steps to take with regard promoting such moral principles – as altruism – I would like to stress the importance of two concepts: one relates to our motive for striving for any change in our current habits; while the other relates to our ability to imagine what currently does not exist. Both of these can play a vital – sometimes decisive – role in our success in bringing about any change in our attitudes and behaviors.”

“But I find these to be two completely unrelated concepts,” I said.

He looked at me very seriously and said, “Our motive gives an answer to the ‘why’ for any efforts that we expend in this regard; and our imagination gives an answer to the ‘how’ and the ‘what’ for our efforts.”

I said, “I am listening,” prompting him to continue.

“You see, it requires some serious effort to change an old habit. Most of the time we may find ourselves continue doing what we are used to doing even though we had decided to change it, only because of our deep-rooted habits or mental patterns. Our brain has a strong tendency to stick to old habits, as it finds it safer and more secure sticking to the already trodden paths. To get our brain to hold back from this tendency so that we can take a different course of action, which is in consonance with our decision to change, and then persisting in this effort requires us to have a strong motive, which we personally hold dear. Without such a motive, we are not even likely to consider expending any effort in this regard.

“There are two aspects of having a clear motive that we must be consciously aware of: One, the motive should be intrinsic, rather than extrinsic. This means that we should not undertake such a moral act for any appreciation, recognition, or reward.

“Another important, though related, aspect is that it has to be a value- or principle-based motive, not a drive-based one…” This time, I could not resist interrupting and said, “What kind of a distinction is that?”

His gaze shifted to the bookshelf standing behind me as if he was searching for a book. Then he said, “Can you hand me that book titled “Culture Against Man” by Jules Henry. It is on the second shelf at the right.” It was an old, blue-colored, paper-back edition. I took it out and handed it to him.

Taking the book from my hand, he started scanning it. Then, finding what he was searching for, he looked at me and said, “Listen carefully to this,” as he started reading out from the book:

“Ours is a driven culture [the author is writing about the United States, but the similarities, in the stated regard, are obvious]. It is driven on by its achievement, competitive, profit, and mobility drives, and by the drive for security and a higher standard of living. Above all it is driven by expansiveness. Drives like hunger, thirst, sex, and rest arise directly out of the chemistry of the body, whereas expansiveness, competitiveness, achievement, and so on are generated by the culture; still we yield to the latter as we do to hunger and sex. Side-by-side with these drives is another group of urges, such as gentleness, kindliness, and generosity, which I shall call values, and in our culture a central issue for the emotional life of everyone is the interplay between these two. Values and drives – other than physiological drives – are both creations of the culture, but in the lives of Americans, and indeed of all western men and women, they play very different roles. A value is something we consider good; something we always want our wives, husbands, parents, and children to express to us, to shower on us when we are gay, to tender to us when we are miserable. Love, kindness, quietness contentment, fun, frankness, Honesty, decency, relaxation, simplicity belong here.

“Fundamentally, values are different from what I call drives, and it is only a semantic characteristic of our language that keeps the two sets of feelings together. To call both competitiveness and gentleness values is as confusing as to call them both drives. Drive is what urges us blindly into getting bigger, into getting further into outer space and into destructive competition; values are the sentiments that work in the opposite direction. Drive belong to the occupational world; values to the world of the family and friendly intimacy. Drives animate the hurly-burly of business, the Armed Forces, and all those parts of our culture where getting ahead, rising in the social scale, outstripping others, and nearly surviving in the struggle are the absorbing functions of life. When values appear in those areas, they act largely as brakes on driveness. Though the occupational world is, on the whole, antagonistic to values in this sense, it would nevertheless be unable to function without them, and it may use them as veils to conceal its underlying motivations.” (Culture against Man, Jules Henry)

Then placing the book on the table by his side, he looked at me and asked, “Do you understand the difference?”

“I think so,” I said. “I gather, according to this author, honesty, compassion, empathy, etc. belong to what you have termed as ‘value- or principle-based motives,’ while more growth, increasing profits, beating the competition, etc. are what you call ‘drive-based motives.’ Is that right?”

“Yes. That is how I see it. But, there’s another very important aspect that he has highlighted in the statement: ‘When values appear in those areas, they act largely act as brakes on driveness,’ and that is the reason why it is so important in my view to not only be fully aware of the reason for our adherence to such values but also to be fully committed to them, even if we, as individuals have to sacrifice a personal gain – a drive-based motive – along the way.”

“So, what do you think should be one’s motive to strive for changing one’s habits?” I asked.

“I think that question has to be answered individually by everyone who commits to traveling this road.” He said.

His answers such as this one always irritated me. “Give me a hint, at least,” I said.

“Ok.” He said, smiling. “Just pick that small frame from the table by your side and read it out.”

“It is something Mother Teresa has said,” I said and started reading out,

 

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

 

 

March 04, 2020
Lahore, Pakistan

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Learning Flourishes in an Environment of Freedom and Safety

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“So, you think that the first step is to be fully committed to developing these qualities in ourselves. What other steps would you recommend to take?” I asked, a little sarcastically.

“I think one of the most important qualities that inspire students and children to learn is to see their teachers and parents as learners and to witness them going through the difficult, iterative, and complex process of learning themselves.” He said. I remained silent anticipating him to continue. After a few moments of silence, he added, “You see, witnessing our teachers and parents going through this tough and complex learning process, transforms our relationship with them – from teachers and parents, whom we are made to believe to be infallible and ‘perfect,’ we become peers and partners in learning. It develops a kind of a collegial relationship with them…”

As soon as he stopped to take a breath, I said, “But why do you think it is even desirable to develop a collegial relationship between parents and their children, and between teachers and their students? Don’t you think that developing such a relationship will reduce the control that the elders can exercise over the young ones?” I asked.

“So, before I continue talking about any subsequent steps that I recommend, let me very briefly say that learning flourishes in an environment of freedom. Control is a hindrance, rather than a support to the learning process.” He said, and then added, “Memorization of facts, regurgitation of these memorized facts, giving quick, un-deliberated answers to such questions that have a single correct answer, which is already known to the elder, and getting high grades in standardized tests should not be confused with learning. Learning requires a safe and supportive environment in which the learner can take time to deliberate, can take risks, can make mistakes and learn from them, can form theories and test them, can revise and refine them, and can remain relaxed, comfortable, and confident in this whole process. As you can imagine, an environment of strict and unrelenting control will miserably fail in providing such a safe and supportive atmosphere.”

January 21, 2020
Sargodha, Pakistan

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Being the Change that We Want to See in Others

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“If developing an altruistic bent is so important, then how do you think we can develop and promote this attitude in others, especially our young ones?” I asked.

He sat there silently looking at me for a while. Then his gaze shifted to his coffee mug. He picked it up, held it in both his hands – as if to warm his palms with its heat. Then he slowly took a sip and placed the mug back on the table at his side. It was as if he was moving in slow motion. Then he looked at me and said, “It is comparatively easy to sometimes control or modify another person’s behavior, to some extent. But altruism is not merely a set of behaviors. It is an attitude and a bent of character, and there is no short-cut or a sure-shot method to transform attitudes and character.”

“Are you implying that there’s no clear way to teach our children to be altruistic?” I asked, clearly disappointed.

“You are a parent as well as a teacher. I’ll share with you an interesting observation that I generally have about parents and teachers: What I have observed is that when a parent or a teacher comes across a piece of information that is valuable, they immediately start talking about how they can teach it to their children and students.” He said.

“What do you find to be wrong with that?” I asked, a little irritated this time.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, as such. Firstly, it is based on the false assumption that teaching will always result in learning. We tend to ignore the fact that ‘learning’ does not necessarily result from teaching – even good teaching – alone. More than good teaching, ‘learning’ requires the interest, curiosity, attention, comfort, and developmental appropriateness on the part of the learner.

“Secondly, I think that if we find something to be so valuable that we would immediately like our children and our students to know about it and make it a part of their character, then before anything else, we should make it a part of our own character. Without this transformation in ourselves, there’s hardly a chance of effecting a transformation in anyone else.” He said with a hint of a sympathetic smile on his face.

“Are you saying that if we are not altruistic ourselves, we should not teach it to others?” I asked.

“No. What I am saying – and it does not relate only to altruism, but to all those moral qualities that we aspire to see in our young ones – is that if we want to develop these moral qualities in others, the first step is to be fully committed to developing these qualities in ourselves.” He said.

 

January 8, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Altruism and the Intention to Please God

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“I think I understand the concept of ‘altruism.'” I said. Then, after a pause, I added, “There are two questions, however, that are causing some confusion in my mind. The first of these relates to something that you said regarding the source of the somewhat universality of experiencing a feeling of joy, peace, and serenity when we act altruistically.” He did not allow me to finish, and said, “You think that is it dogmatic to believe in God and to ascribe these feeling as having been implanted in us by Him?”

“No. My question is different. What I want to know is that if you think that the universality of the feeling of elation when we act altruistically is because of our inherent and ‘Divine’ programming, then do you think that our Creator wants us to be altruistic?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “I strongly believe that He does.”

“Then, would I be correct in assuming that you would also believe that God will reward our altruistic acts?” I asked.

“Yes. I think God will reward all our good deeds if we do them with the right intentions.” He answered confidently.

“That is what I thought,” I said triumphantly and continued, “now, my question is, if I were to act altruistically in the hope of being rewarded for it by God, will it mean that I have an ulterior motive and, thus, go against the very spirit of altruism?”

He looked seriously at me and said, “No.”

“But, you said that one has a desire to recognized, appreciated, or rewarded for any of his acts of supporting and helping others, it would amount to an ulterior motive, and an altruistic act should be clear of all ulterior motives. Isn’t that right?” I asked.

“Yes. That is right.” He said, and added, “but an ulterior motive, by its very nature, relates to this desire to be recognized, appreciated, or rewarded by other human beings. You see, the desire to be rewarded, appreciated or recognized by God does not entail the dangers that are entailed in our desire to be rewarded, or appreciated by other human beings.”

“What are these dangers?” I asked.

“When we act righteously to be rewarded, appreciated, or recognized by other human beings, it endangers our integrity. Our lives are then dictated not by any noble principles, but by who might be watching or observing us, at that time. Obviously, there is no such danger of being prone to lack of integrity, when the only reward we seek and hope for, is to please the All-Knowing God, from Whom, nothing is hidden.” He said, and then asked, “Does that make any sense to you?”

“I will need to think about it.” I said and then added, “My second question is why do you consider altruistic acts to be among the most fundamental good behaviors?”

“I hold altruistic acts to contribute toward the rejuvenation of the human spirit, and anything that contributes toward the rejuvenation of the human spirit deserves to be placed among the ‘fundamentally good behaviors’ in my eyes.” He said.

 

January 7, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Feelings of those Affected by Altruism

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“So, I understand then that an altruistic act can be a source of peace, serenity, and satisfaction for the person who undertakes it. I think an equally important aspect is to see how such an act makes the other person – the beneficiary – feel too,” I said.

“Yes. That is quite right. I think both aspects are very important. How do you think the other person feels?” He asked.

I thought for a while and then said, “I think it makes one feel supported and cared for.”

He was focused on a picture of his family on the wall, when he said, “Don’t you think it makes you feel connected and in a close relationship that goes beyond all boundaries, barriers, and borders? It reminds you of being a part of the human family, that goes beyond all social as well as all superficial divisions.

“You see, whenever I think of that incident outside ‘Spinneys,’ I am intrigued by the thought that we were completely unaware of each other’s nationalities, religious ascriptions, socio-cultural backgrounds, or even each other’s existence in the world. It was purely a human connection – a relationship born out of our common humanity and an understanding and awareness of our human needs, desires, and aspirations.”

January 6, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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