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OVERTURNING OUR

“IMMUNITY TO CHANGE”

Introduction

After completing a training workshop[1], invariably I get calls from participants who express concern about why they tend to ignore practicing the different concepts they have learned, even after comprehending them and agreeing with them. For instance, they would ask why they face difficulty in practicing the various guidelines of “effective conversations” or “expressing appreciation and disagreements” in their everyday lives. The same phenomenon can also be observed in corporate trainings. Almost 90% of training workshops conducted in the corporate sector, rated very highly immediately after completion, fail to bring about any significant and consistent change in the participants. Why is it so? Are the participants so utterly devoid of commitment? Motivation? Will power? Does the problem lie with team cultures? Do organizational environments discourage such transformations? Or is the resistance to making a change a natural phenomenon?

My short answer to such questions is that reading and understanding a book on Emotional Intelligence and being Emotionally Intelligent are two entirely different phenomena requiring different capacities from us. A more detailed answer, however, is given below:

There are two kinds of problems we face: “Technical Challenges” and “Adaptive Challenges.”[2]

In a Technical challenge, the skillset required to overcome the challenge is generally well-known. A strong desire to overcome the challenge, access to the necessary information about the skillset, the opportunity to learn that skillset, and a commitment to put in the required effort are likely to allow one to overcome such challenges[3].

Adaptive challenges, on the other hand, require a change in the mindset, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs of the person trying to tackle them[4]. It may be interesting to note that one’s mindset, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs constitute one’s psychological “self” or “identity.” As a result, overcoming an Adaptive challenge, in a way, puts one’s current psychological “self” and “identity” at risk. This is where our “psychological immune system” comes into play.

Like its biological counterpart, which protects our biological “identity” and “self,” our psychological immune system protects our psychological “identity” and “self.”

When we tackle Adaptive challenges, our psychological immune system is on high alert to protect us from destroying our psychological “self” and “identity” and to protect us from the consequent psychological pain, suffering, or even “death.” Also, like the biological immune system – which, for instance, can severely obstruct adaptability in organ transplants and, thus, work against the very system it was meant to protect – our psychological immune system, if not kept in check, can block any changes we know are desirable and, sometimes, even necessary for our psychological growth and wellbeing.

Overcoming an Adaptive challenge requires one to be committed to learning a new behavior, on the one hand, while also being willing to risk one’s current identity and psychological “self” to develop a new and improved identity and psychological “self,” on the other.

Another aspect of Technical and Adaptive challenges that makes the situation more complex is that some challenges can be Technical for one person and Adaptive for another. One person may find it sufficient to get information about maintaining a healthy lifestyle for actually maintaining one. Another person may have all the information about maintaining a healthy lifestyle but find it irresistible to avoid eating sweets whenever they are in sight.

The difference between Adaptive and Technical challenges makes it imperative that we 1) recognize them as two separate challenges, 2) know how to diagnose and separate them from each other, and 3) treat them differently.

For Technical problems, the solution lies in disseminating and delivering the required information by organizing training programs and workshops. Adaptive problems, on the other hand, require us to make conscious and intentional alterations in our mindsets, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs.

But how does one achieve that?

Two developmental psychologists at Harvard – Robert Kegan and Lisa L. Lahey – and their colleagues developed and refined the answer to this question. Our workshop, “Overturning our Immunity to Change,” is based on their answer.

 

Video Introduction

 

 

 

[1] The topics of my workshops are generally related to character development and moral uplifting.

[2] See “The Practice of Adaptive Leadership” by Ronald Heifetz

[3] Such challenges may include learning to fly a plane, becoming a chef, a surgeon, a typist, reading a book on Emotional Intelligence, etc.

[4] Such challenges may include being more emotionally intelligent, developing a healthy lifestyle, being more mindful of the impact of one’s actions on others, overcoming an addiction, being more empathic with oneself and others, etc.

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A Strong Motive – A Necessary Ingredient

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He was quiet for a while. Probably, he was anticipating a question or a comment from me. But my total surprise at what he had said did not even allow me to open my mouth. I was still trying to digest what he had said, when I heard him continue, “Before moving on to any further steps to take with regard promoting such moral principles – as altruism – I would like to stress the importance of two concepts: one relates to our motive for striving for any change in our current habits; while the other relates to our ability to imagine what currently does not exist. Both of these can play a vital – sometimes decisive – role in our success in bringing about any change in our attitudes and behaviors.”

“But I find these to be two completely unrelated concepts,” I said.

He looked at me very seriously and said, “Our motive gives an answer to the ‘why’ for any efforts that we expend in this regard; and our imagination gives an answer to the ‘how’ and the ‘what’ for our efforts.”

I said, “I am listening,” prompting him to continue.

“You see, it requires some serious effort to change an old habit. Most of the time we may find ourselves continue doing what we are used to doing even though we had decided to change it, only because of our deep-rooted habits or mental patterns. Our brain has a strong tendency to stick to old habits, as it finds it safer and more secure sticking to the already trodden paths. To get our brain to hold back from this tendency so that we can take a different course of action, which is in consonance with our decision to change, and then persisting in this effort requires us to have a strong motive, which we personally hold dear. Without such a motive, we are not even likely to consider expending any effort in this regard.

“There are two aspects of having a clear motive that we must be consciously aware of: One, the motive should be intrinsic, rather than extrinsic. This means that we should not undertake such a moral act for any appreciation, recognition, or reward.

“Another important, though related, aspect is that it has to be a value- or principle-based motive, not a drive-based one…” This time, I could not resist interrupting and said, “What kind of a distinction is that?”

His gaze shifted to the bookshelf standing behind me as if he was searching for a book. Then he said, “Can you hand me that book titled “Culture Against Man” by Jules Henry. It is on the second shelf at the right.” It was an old, blue-colored, paper-back edition. I took it out and handed it to him.

Taking the book from my hand, he started scanning it. Then, finding what he was searching for, he looked at me and said, “Listen carefully to this,” as he started reading out from the book:

“Ours is a driven culture [the author is writing about the United States, but the similarities, in the stated regard, are obvious]. It is driven on by its achievement, competitive, profit, and mobility drives, and by the drive for security and a higher standard of living. Above all it is driven by expansiveness. Drives like hunger, thirst, sex, and rest arise directly out of the chemistry of the body, whereas expansiveness, competitiveness, achievement, and so on are generated by the culture; still we yield to the latter as we do to hunger and sex. Side-by-side with these drives is another group of urges, such as gentleness, kindliness, and generosity, which I shall call values, and in our culture a central issue for the emotional life of everyone is the interplay between these two. Values and drives – other than physiological drives – are both creations of the culture, but in the lives of Americans, and indeed of all western men and women, they play very different roles. A value is something we consider good; something we always want our wives, husbands, parents, and children to express to us, to shower on us when we are gay, to tender to us when we are miserable. Love, kindness, quietness contentment, fun, frankness, Honesty, decency, relaxation, simplicity belong here.

“Fundamentally, values are different from what I call drives, and it is only a semantic characteristic of our language that keeps the two sets of feelings together. To call both competitiveness and gentleness values is as confusing as to call them both drives. Drive is what urges us blindly into getting bigger, into getting further into outer space and into destructive competition; values are the sentiments that work in the opposite direction. Drive belong to the occupational world; values to the world of the family and friendly intimacy. Drives animate the hurly-burly of business, the Armed Forces, and all those parts of our culture where getting ahead, rising in the social scale, outstripping others, and nearly surviving in the struggle are the absorbing functions of life. When values appear in those areas, they act largely as brakes on driveness. Though the occupational world is, on the whole, antagonistic to values in this sense, it would nevertheless be unable to function without them, and it may use them as veils to conceal its underlying motivations.” (Culture against Man, Jules Henry)

Then placing the book on the table by his side, he looked at me and asked, “Do you understand the difference?”

“I think so,” I said. “I gather, according to this author, honesty, compassion, empathy, etc. belong to what you have termed as ‘value- or principle-based motives,’ while more growth, increasing profits, beating the competition, etc. are what you call ‘drive-based motives.’ Is that right?”

“Yes. That is how I see it. But, there’s another very important aspect that he has highlighted in the statement: ‘When values appear in those areas, they act largely act as brakes on driveness,’ and that is the reason why it is so important in my view to not only be fully aware of the reason for our adherence to such values but also to be fully committed to them, even if we, as individuals have to sacrifice a personal gain – a drive-based motive – along the way.”

“So, what do you think should be one’s motive to strive for changing one’s habits?” I asked.

“I think that question has to be answered individually by everyone who commits to traveling this road.” He said.

His answers such as this one always irritated me. “Give me a hint, at least,” I said.

“Ok.” He said, smiling. “Just pick that small frame from the table by your side and read it out.”

“It is something Mother Teresa has said,” I said and started reading out,

 

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

 

 

March 04, 2020
Lahore, Pakistan

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Altruism and the Intention to Please God

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“I think I understand the concept of ‘altruism.'” I said. Then, after a pause, I added, “There are two questions, however, that are causing some confusion in my mind. The first of these relates to something that you said regarding the source of the somewhat universality of experiencing a feeling of joy, peace, and serenity when we act altruistically.” He did not allow me to finish, and said, “You think that is it dogmatic to believe in God and to ascribe these feeling as having been implanted in us by Him?”

“No. My question is different. What I want to know is that if you think that the universality of the feeling of elation when we act altruistically is because of our inherent and ‘Divine’ programming, then do you think that our Creator wants us to be altruistic?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “I strongly believe that He does.”

“Then, would I be correct in assuming that you would also believe that God will reward our altruistic acts?” I asked.

“Yes. I think God will reward all our good deeds if we do them with the right intentions.” He answered confidently.

“That is what I thought,” I said triumphantly and continued, “now, my question is, if I were to act altruistically in the hope of being rewarded for it by God, will it mean that I have an ulterior motive and, thus, go against the very spirit of altruism?”

He looked seriously at me and said, “No.”

“But, you said that one has a desire to recognized, appreciated, or rewarded for any of his acts of supporting and helping others, it would amount to an ulterior motive, and an altruistic act should be clear of all ulterior motives. Isn’t that right?” I asked.

“Yes. That is right.” He said, and added, “but an ulterior motive, by its very nature, relates to this desire to be recognized, appreciated, or rewarded by other human beings. You see, the desire to be rewarded, appreciated or recognized by God does not entail the dangers that are entailed in our desire to be rewarded, or appreciated by other human beings.”

“What are these dangers?” I asked.

“When we act righteously to be rewarded, appreciated, or recognized by other human beings, it endangers our integrity. Our lives are then dictated not by any noble principles, but by who might be watching or observing us, at that time. Obviously, there is no such danger of being prone to lack of integrity, when the only reward we seek and hope for, is to please the All-Knowing God, from Whom, nothing is hidden.” He said, and then asked, “Does that make any sense to you?”

“I will need to think about it.” I said and then added, “My second question is why do you consider altruistic acts to be among the most fundamental good behaviors?”

“I hold altruistic acts to contribute toward the rejuvenation of the human spirit, and anything that contributes toward the rejuvenation of the human spirit deserves to be placed among the ‘fundamentally good behaviors’ in my eyes.” He said.

 

January 7, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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What is Altruism?

“You keep referring to ‘altruism’ as a fundamental good. Can you please explain what exactly do you mean by that?” I asked him.

He smiled at me – a proud smile, which I had now become so used to seeing every time I asked him a question – and asked, “Have you ever done something in which you were only concerned about the welfare of or about satisfying a need of another person, without any other ulterior motive?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, “what do you mean by ‘ulterior motive?’”

“’Ulterior motive’ is a motive that lies beyond what is evident, revealed or declared.” He said. Then recognizing the confusion on my face, continued, “You see, there’s a danger of having an ulterior motive, whenever one does something good. One may be helping an old man cross the road – and this would definitely be a great act of kindness – but, one may be doing this great act of kindness for some other motive, not known to anyone other than himself. For instance, he may be doing it simply to be recognized as a good person by the onlookers, or to win their trust or confidence, or to be appreciated as a helpful individual, or simply to win the heart of someone he admires. But, remember, as I mentioned, this hidden motive will only be known to him. No one besides himself can know it with any degree of certainty unless he himself decides to share it with someone else. So, do you understand what is an ‘ulterior motive’ now?”

“Yes. I think I do. So, coming back to ‘altruism’, I understand that it implies doing something to benefit another person, without desiring to be recognized, appreciated or rewarded in return. Is that correct?” I asked.

“Yes. That is how I see it.” He replied.

January 1, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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