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Death as a Master Reminder

 

 

یہ مضمون اردو میں پڑھیں

There are moments in life that wake us up more than any lecture, book, or conversation ever could. Few reminders hit as hard as death. One evening, a neighbor chats casually, and the next morning, news spreads that he slipped, fell, and never got up again. A friend shares dinner with you one day and is gone the next week. These sudden departures strike like lightning—brief, blinding, unforgettable.

The Illusion of Permanence

Most of us live as if tomorrow is guaranteed. We plan vacations months in advance, delay apologies, and postpone what truly matters. Death interrupts this illusion and reminds us that the future is not ours to promise. The only certainty is the present moment.

We see life as if it extends infinitely ahead, but in reality, each moment passes irreversibly. However, every moment is not lost—it becomes eternal. How we spend it will resonate forever. Every decision we make—whether in kindness or cruelty, gratitude or ingratitude—leads to a lasting consequence.

Everyday Encounters with Mortality

The reminder of death occurs not only during major events but also in everyday experiences.

  • Watching a funeral procession pass by.
  • Hearing about the sudden illness of a colleague.
  • Reading news of an accident involving someone your own age.

Each event whispers: “You too are temporary. But what you do now will last forever. How will you use your time?”

Death and Perspective

When death confronts us, many things lose their significance. Resentments suddenly seem trivial. The quest for recognition feels empty. Even material success, though not meaningless, no longer defines the value of life.

What grows sharper instead are questions of legacy:

  • Did I love sincerely?
  • Did I use my abilities to serve, or only to hoard?
  • If I leave tomorrow, what will endure from my choices today?

Death, like a stern teacher, refuses to let us hide behind distractions.

A Master Reminder, Not a Morbid Obsession

Some worry that thinking about death too often makes life feel heavy and joyless. But in reality, it can do the opposite. By reminding us that our time is limited, death encourages us to enjoy life more fully. A meal with loved ones tastes sweeter when we know such moments are temporary. An evening walk feels more valuable when we realize we might not have endless evenings left.

The reminder is not meant to paralyze but to prioritize. Death does not ask us to stop living; it asks us to live more deliberately—knowing that every breath is shaping eternity.

The Inner Dialogue Death Awakens

Encounters with death trigger a change in our self-talk. The complaint, “Why is life unfair?” often shifts to “What can I do with the life I still have?” Instead of endlessly delaying growth, we start to take action. Instead of holding onto bitterness, we forgive. Instead of fearing the end, we prepare for it by cherishing our present moments.

The Three Choices Before Us

If every moment is pushing us toward our unavoidable end, we cannot escape the need to choose how to face it. In reality, there are only three options:

  1. Ignore it: We can live in denial, distracting ourselves until the inevitable overtakes us. But ignorance does not protect us from reality; it only guarantees we arrive unprepared.
  2. Fret about it: We can become paralyzed by fear, and resent life’s impermanence, as if despair could slow the train rushing us forward. But this only wastes the time we do have.
  3. Eternalize it: We can give each moment meaning—through acts of compassion, words of truth, and efforts of integrity—so that when destiny arrives, it finds us ready, even eager, to face it.

The third choice is the only one that transforms inevitability into hope.

Conclusion

Death is not an end; it is a master reminder. It exposes life’s fragility, dissolves illusions, and brings into focus what truly matters. Though life is impermanent, every passing moment is becoming eternal.

We cannot change the train of time racing toward its destination, but we can choose how we ride it. We can ignore it, fret about it, or fill the journey with meaning. The last choice transforms the inevitability of death into the triumph of a life lived with depth, honesty, and purpose.

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OVERTURNING OUR

“IMMUNITY TO CHANGE”

Introduction

After completing a training workshop[1], invariably I get calls from participants who express concern about why they tend to ignore practicing the different concepts they have learned, even after comprehending them and agreeing with them. For instance, they would ask why they face difficulty in practicing the various guidelines of “effective conversations” or “expressing appreciation and disagreements” in their everyday lives. The same phenomenon can also be observed in corporate trainings. Almost 90% of training workshops conducted in the corporate sector, rated very highly immediately after completion, fail to bring about any significant and consistent change in the participants. Why is it so? Are the participants so utterly devoid of commitment? Motivation? Will power? Does the problem lie with team cultures? Do organizational environments discourage such transformations? Or is the resistance to making a change a natural phenomenon?

My short answer to such questions is that reading and understanding a book on Emotional Intelligence and being Emotionally Intelligent are two entirely different phenomena requiring different capacities from us. A more detailed answer, however, is given below:

There are two kinds of problems we face: “Technical Challenges” and “Adaptive Challenges.”[2]

In a Technical challenge, the skillset required to overcome the challenge is generally well-known. A strong desire to overcome the challenge, access to the necessary information about the skillset, the opportunity to learn that skillset, and a commitment to put in the required effort are likely to allow one to overcome such challenges[3].

Adaptive challenges, on the other hand, require a change in the mindset, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs of the person trying to tackle them[4]. It may be interesting to note that one’s mindset, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs constitute one’s psychological “self” or “identity.” As a result, overcoming an Adaptive challenge, in a way, puts one’s current psychological “self” and “identity” at risk. This is where our “psychological immune system” comes into play.

Like its biological counterpart, which protects our biological “identity” and “self,” our psychological immune system protects our psychological “identity” and “self.”

When we tackle Adaptive challenges, our psychological immune system is on high alert to protect us from destroying our psychological “self” and “identity” and to protect us from the consequent psychological pain, suffering, or even “death.” Also, like the biological immune system – which, for instance, can severely obstruct adaptability in organ transplants and, thus, work against the very system it was meant to protect – our psychological immune system, if not kept in check, can block any changes we know are desirable and, sometimes, even necessary for our psychological growth and wellbeing.

Overcoming an Adaptive challenge requires one to be committed to learning a new behavior, on the one hand, while also being willing to risk one’s current identity and psychological “self” to develop a new and improved identity and psychological “self,” on the other.

Another aspect of Technical and Adaptive challenges that makes the situation more complex is that some challenges can be Technical for one person and Adaptive for another. One person may find it sufficient to get information about maintaining a healthy lifestyle for actually maintaining one. Another person may have all the information about maintaining a healthy lifestyle but find it irresistible to avoid eating sweets whenever they are in sight.

The difference between Adaptive and Technical challenges makes it imperative that we 1) recognize them as two separate challenges, 2) know how to diagnose and separate them from each other, and 3) treat them differently.

For Technical problems, the solution lies in disseminating and delivering the required information by organizing training programs and workshops. Adaptive problems, on the other hand, require us to make conscious and intentional alterations in our mindsets, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs.

But how does one achieve that?

Two developmental psychologists at Harvard – Robert Kegan and Lisa L. Lahey – and their colleagues developed and refined the answer to this question. Our workshop, “Overturning our Immunity to Change,” is based on their answer.

 

Video Introduction

 

 

 

[1] The topics of my workshops are generally related to character development and moral uplifting.

[2] See “The Practice of Adaptive Leadership” by Ronald Heifetz

[3] Such challenges may include learning to fly a plane, becoming a chef, a surgeon, a typist, reading a book on Emotional Intelligence, etc.

[4] Such challenges may include being more emotionally intelligent, developing a healthy lifestyle, being more mindful of the impact of one’s actions on others, overcoming an addiction, being more empathic with oneself and others, etc.

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Imagination – A Natural Help in Forming New Habits

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“What about imagination?” I asked. “How can that be helpful in replacing any of our habits?”

“To understand the importance of imagination in helping us overcome and alter any of the habits that we feel are undesirable, due to any reason, we will need to briefly understand some relevant characteristics of our brain.” He said. Then, as if he was trying to buy time to arrange his thoughts, he stood up and asked, “I am going to make myself some coffee. Would you like to have some?”

“Sure.” I said, “But I would like to have my coffee in milk if that is not a problem.”

He looked at me with a smile and then disappeared in the kitchen. From behind the kitchen wall and through the open door, he said “All that I need, when I make my coffee is water, the Nescafe instant coffee-jar, with sufficient coffee in it, and the water kettle. Through experience, I know where all these things are. If someone were to disturb the placement of these things, it would affect the speed of my work, would slow me down, and sometimes even frustrate me. Now, when you told me to make your coffee in milk – which I am not so used to making – I have to figure out where the milk is in the refrigerator, which utensil to use to boil it and where to find that utensil, and the appropriate amount of instant coffee powder to put in the milk. Do you see how our habits facilitate and make doing the routine tasks easier for us, while because of the same habitual patterns, we can sometimes feel frustrated and blank when we have to do something which we are not used to doing?”

While he was talking, I too had walked into the kitchen and was standing behind him. As he finished, I said, “Yes. I understand that.”

Walking back into his library and sitting on his comfortable revolving chair, he said, “One of the characteristics of our brain is that it forms connections. Whenever we experience something new, a new connection is formed in our brain. These experiences can be of any number of kinds, from merely an exposure to a new word, or a conversation that gives us a new perspective or challenges any of our existing perspectives to suddenly being faced with a new life situation, as having to make coffee in milk.” He said, ending with light laughter.

He remained quiet for a few seconds, anticipating me to comment. I didn’t say anything. After almost a minute, he continued, “As we repeat our experiences, the connections in our brains are strengthened. And this develops our habits, whether they relate to the words we generally use in our speech and writings, or to respond to others’ comments or actions, or to carry out everyday life chores – like making coffee. On the other hand, if an experience is not repeated over a long time, the connection is weakened and, sometimes, the experience may even slip out of our consciousness. For instance, after being exposed and introduced to a new word, if you do not use it or are not exposed to it for some time, its meaning and usage can easily slip out of your conscious memory.

“Another relevant characteristic of our brain is that it cannot distinguish between reality and imagination. When you imagine something in sufficient detail and immerse yourself in that image, it is as good as real for the brain.” Suddenly, he stood up and walked to the bookshelf on his left and took out a small, blue-colored book. I could read the title ‘Silva Mind Control Method.’ He shuffled through the pages. Then finding what he was looking for, he started reading out from it:

Imagine that you are standing in your kitchen holding a lemon that you have just taken from the refrigerator. It feels cold in your hand. Look at the outside of it, its yellow skin. It is a waxy yellow, and the skin comes to small green points at the two ends. Squeeze it a little and feel its firmness and its weight.

Now raise the lemon to your nose and smell it. Nothing smells quite like a lemon, does it? Now cut the lemon in half and smell it. The odor is stronger. Now bite deeply into the lemon and let the juice swirl around in your mouth. Nothing tastes quite like a lemon either, does it?

At this point, if you have used your imagination well, your mouth will be watering.

 

He closed the book and looking at me, he asked, “Do you understand what it means?”

“Yes,” I replied. “But I do not understand how this characteristic of the brain can be a helpful tool in getting rid of any of our undesired habits?”

“Keep in mind how habits are formed in the first place,” he said. “As I mentioned earlier, it is the repetition of our actions that forms our habits. When you do something repeatedly, it naturally becomes easier for you to keep doing it and more difficult for you to change it. This is the time that that action has become a habit. Now, if you combine this fact with the understanding that our brain cannot distinguish between something that we are actually doing and something that we are only imagining, you will see how our faculty of imagination can help us in forming new habits and replacing old ones.”

“Can you please explain how can we practically make it happen?” I had my question ready, even before he completed his sentence.

“Some time back, I developed the realization that whenever something transpired that was not to my liking or in keeping with my expectations, I would start getting uptight, extremely tense, angry, and frustrated. I would immediately start looking for whose fault it was and then try to confront the ‘perpetrator’ with my inquisition. As you can guess, it rarely solved any problems and never succeeded in righting the wrong that had already transpired. But, it did create a lot of heightened tensions in my relationships and caused me further agony over my role in those strained relationships. Once I had this realization, I wanted to get rid of this habit…”

“Did you decide about your motive for change?” I interjected.

“Yes. My agony over strained relations was giving me a clear message that I needed to be more understanding, more caring, more compassionate, and more accommodating so that people – and especially those closely related to me – could feel comfortable being their real selves with me.” He replied quickly and then continued, “So, having decided to try and get rid of this habit, I used the imaging-technique. I would sit silently just imagining and visualizing – in as much detail as possible – a scene that would generally trigger tension, anger, and frustration in me. But, in my visualization, rather than getting tensed, angry, or frustrated, I would imagine staying calm and telling myself that nothing is worth straining my relationships with those who are so dear to me. I would imagine refraining from making judgments about the situation and listening to everyone involved in it, trying to understand their individual perspectives. Then I would imagine responding to the situation in a manner that would safeguard and protect anyone involved in the situation from being hurt or distressed.

“In the beginning, this imagination seemed unreal. As if my brain was resisting my calm response to the situation. However, as I continued practicing the imaging-technique, it gradually became easier for my brain to accept it as an alternative reality.

“However, not too long after I started this practice of visualization, I became more conscious of my reactions. Even if I could still not control them, there was definitely an inner voice that prompted me to stop. Then, after a few weeks of continuing to practice the imaging-technique, I started controlling my reactions too – not every time but there was some improvement that I experienced and felt encouraged with.

“I cannot say that I have completely overcome my old reactive habit, but I know that I am moving in my desired direction, even if only one step at a time.” Then he looked at me smiling – a smile with a slight touch of embarrassment, I reckoned – and asked, “Does this example clarify the role imagination can play in forming new habits?”

“Yes. I think it does,” I said, nodding my head.

 

Lahore, Pakistan
June 09, 2020

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