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OVERTURNING OUR

“IMMUNITY TO CHANGE”

Introduction

After completing a training workshop[1], invariably I get calls from participants who express concern about why they tend to ignore practicing the different concepts they have learned, even after comprehending them and agreeing with them. For instance, they would ask why they face difficulty in practicing the various guidelines of “effective conversations” or “expressing appreciation and disagreements” in their everyday lives. The same phenomenon can also be observed in corporate trainings. Almost 90% of training workshops conducted in the corporate sector, rated very highly immediately after completion, fail to bring about any significant and consistent change in the participants. Why is it so? Are the participants so utterly devoid of commitment? Motivation? Will power? Does the problem lie with team cultures? Do organizational environments discourage such transformations? Or is the resistance to making a change a natural phenomenon?

My short answer to such questions is that reading and understanding a book on Emotional Intelligence and being Emotionally Intelligent are two entirely different phenomena requiring different capacities from us. A more detailed answer, however, is given below:

There are two kinds of problems we face: “Technical Challenges” and “Adaptive Challenges.”[2]

In a Technical challenge, the skillset required to overcome the challenge is generally well-known. A strong desire to overcome the challenge, access to the necessary information about the skillset, the opportunity to learn that skillset, and a commitment to put in the required effort are likely to allow one to overcome such challenges[3].

Adaptive challenges, on the other hand, require a change in the mindset, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs of the person trying to tackle them[4]. It may be interesting to note that one’s mindset, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs constitute one’s psychological “self” or “identity.” As a result, overcoming an Adaptive challenge, in a way, puts one’s current psychological “self” and “identity” at risk. This is where our “psychological immune system” comes into play.

Like its biological counterpart, which protects our biological “identity” and “self,” our psychological immune system protects our psychological “identity” and “self.”

When we tackle Adaptive challenges, our psychological immune system is on high alert to protect us from destroying our psychological “self” and “identity” and to protect us from the consequent psychological pain, suffering, or even “death.” Also, like the biological immune system – which, for instance, can severely obstruct adaptability in organ transplants and, thus, work against the very system it was meant to protect – our psychological immune system, if not kept in check, can block any changes we know are desirable and, sometimes, even necessary for our psychological growth and wellbeing.

Overcoming an Adaptive challenge requires one to be committed to learning a new behavior, on the one hand, while also being willing to risk one’s current identity and psychological “self” to develop a new and improved identity and psychological “self,” on the other.

Another aspect of Technical and Adaptive challenges that makes the situation more complex is that some challenges can be Technical for one person and Adaptive for another. One person may find it sufficient to get information about maintaining a healthy lifestyle for actually maintaining one. Another person may have all the information about maintaining a healthy lifestyle but find it irresistible to avoid eating sweets whenever they are in sight.

The difference between Adaptive and Technical challenges makes it imperative that we 1) recognize them as two separate challenges, 2) know how to diagnose and separate them from each other, and 3) treat them differently.

For Technical problems, the solution lies in disseminating and delivering the required information by organizing training programs and workshops. Adaptive problems, on the other hand, require us to make conscious and intentional alterations in our mindsets, attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs.

But how does one achieve that?

Two developmental psychologists at Harvard – Robert Kegan and Lisa L. Lahey – and their colleagues developed and refined the answer to this question. Our workshop, “Overturning our Immunity to Change,” is based on their answer.

 

Video Introduction

 

 

 

[1] The topics of my workshops are generally related to character development and moral uplifting.

[2] See “The Practice of Adaptive Leadership” by Ronald Heifetz

[3] Such challenges may include learning to fly a plane, becoming a chef, a surgeon, a typist, reading a book on Emotional Intelligence, etc.

[4] Such challenges may include being more emotionally intelligent, developing a healthy lifestyle, being more mindful of the impact of one’s actions on others, overcoming an addiction, being more empathic with oneself and others, etc.

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Altruism and the Intention to Please God

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“I think I understand the concept of ‘altruism.'” I said. Then, after a pause, I added, “There are two questions, however, that are causing some confusion in my mind. The first of these relates to something that you said regarding the source of the somewhat universality of experiencing a feeling of joy, peace, and serenity when we act altruistically.” He did not allow me to finish, and said, “You think that is it dogmatic to believe in God and to ascribe these feeling as having been implanted in us by Him?”

“No. My question is different. What I want to know is that if you think that the universality of the feeling of elation when we act altruistically is because of our inherent and ‘Divine’ programming, then do you think that our Creator wants us to be altruistic?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “I strongly believe that He does.”

“Then, would I be correct in assuming that you would also believe that God will reward our altruistic acts?” I asked.

“Yes. I think God will reward all our good deeds if we do them with the right intentions.” He answered confidently.

“That is what I thought,” I said triumphantly and continued, “now, my question is, if I were to act altruistically in the hope of being rewarded for it by God, will it mean that I have an ulterior motive and, thus, go against the very spirit of altruism?”

He looked seriously at me and said, “No.”

“But, you said that one has a desire to recognized, appreciated, or rewarded for any of his acts of supporting and helping others, it would amount to an ulterior motive, and an altruistic act should be clear of all ulterior motives. Isn’t that right?” I asked.

“Yes. That is right.” He said, and added, “but an ulterior motive, by its very nature, relates to this desire to be recognized, appreciated, or rewarded by other human beings. You see, the desire to be rewarded, appreciated or recognized by God does not entail the dangers that are entailed in our desire to be rewarded, or appreciated by other human beings.”

“What are these dangers?” I asked.

“When we act righteously to be rewarded, appreciated, or recognized by other human beings, it endangers our integrity. Our lives are then dictated not by any noble principles, but by who might be watching or observing us, at that time. Obviously, there is no such danger of being prone to lack of integrity, when the only reward we seek and hope for, is to please the All-Knowing God, from Whom, nothing is hidden.” He said, and then asked, “Does that make any sense to you?”

“I will need to think about it.” I said and then added, “My second question is why do you consider altruistic acts to be among the most fundamental good behaviors?”

“I hold altruistic acts to contribute toward the rejuvenation of the human spirit, and anything that contributes toward the rejuvenation of the human spirit deserves to be placed among the ‘fundamentally good behaviors’ in my eyes.” He said.

 

January 7, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Feelings of those Affected by Altruism

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“So, I understand then that an altruistic act can be a source of peace, serenity, and satisfaction for the person who undertakes it. I think an equally important aspect is to see how such an act makes the other person – the beneficiary – feel too,” I said.

“Yes. That is quite right. I think both aspects are very important. How do you think the other person feels?” He asked.

I thought for a while and then said, “I think it makes one feel supported and cared for.”

He was focused on a picture of his family on the wall, when he said, “Don’t you think it makes you feel connected and in a close relationship that goes beyond all boundaries, barriers, and borders? It reminds you of being a part of the human family, that goes beyond all social as well as all superficial divisions.

“You see, whenever I think of that incident outside ‘Spinneys,’ I am intrigued by the thought that we were completely unaware of each other’s nationalities, religious ascriptions, socio-cultural backgrounds, or even each other’s existence in the world. It was purely a human connection – a relationship born out of our common humanity and an understanding and awareness of our human needs, desires, and aspirations.”

January 6, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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The Making of a Good Human Being

Close to the border of Punjab and Sindh lies the city of Rahim Yar Khan. I had to travel there from Lahore on the 8th of December, 2019. I had to conduct a workshop session there, the next day. This time, the topic was “Our Impact on those Around Us.”

One of the discomforts that I have to face because of traveling is due to my own finical and restricted taste in food. I don’t like eating out. So, sometimes I try to make do on fresh fruits or even a packet of potato chips. 9th December was one such day. After having completed my session, I returned to my room at the Sadiq Club. I asked the manager on duty if I could get an egg sandwich. I was informed that the club did not have an in-house kitchen. So, I decided to take a walk to a nearby shop and get myself a packet of potato chips and a lemon malt. The shop was hardly 250 meters away from where I was staying.

As I started my walk back, after my shopping, I was a little startled as a young boy on a motorbike halted right beside me. A sudden storm of thoughts flooded my mind. Was he going to snatch the bag of my potato chips and lemon malt? Was I being robbed? Abducted? As the storm subsided, I realized that the boy was too frail to abduct me. There was nothing in his hands even remotely resembling a weapon, so a robbery was also not a possibility. Finally, having come to a complete halt, he was not in a position to snatch the bag from my hand.

As I returned to reality from my adventurous imaginations, I heard him say: “Uncle, sit. I’ll give you a ride.” Surprised at his offer, I told him: “I am staying at this club, it is just a few meters away.” He said: “I’ll drop you wherever you want to go.” Not able to control my curiosity, I asked: “Why do you want to help me, son?” I was pleasantly surprised, when he replied: “Because I want to be a good human being.” Lost for words, I silently sat behind him on his motorbike.

It was a very short companionship, yet a very impactful one.

Within a few seconds, we had stopped at the gate of the club where I was staying. Again, for the lack of anything better that came to my mind, I heard myself saying, “Son, can I give you some money?” He smiled and said, “No. No. That will spoil everything.” I asked him, “Spoil what?” He replied, “My effort to be a good human being.” I asked him again, “Seriously, why did you help me?” He replied, “My father used to tell me to help others, in whatever way I can. He used to say, ‘it is best that you help strangers, whom you are not even likely to meet again, as that will keep your heart clear of any expectations of a return.’ That, he used to say, is what makes a good human being.”

That was the last that I saw that young boy. As I was walking to my room, I was thinking about his father. He must have been an unusual man. In these times, when most parents only want to know about their child’s grades and scores, he was an exceptional parent, who ignited a very different aspiration in his son’s mind.

I entered my room and started preparing to review the material for my session scheduled for the next day. As I opened my files, the title of the session caught my eyes: “Our Impact on those Around Us.”

The smiling face of the young boy was clear in my mind.

December 15, 2019
(Bahawalpur, Pakistan)

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Who are You?

Today, I would like to direct the same question to my friends, which I tried to answer for myself in the last post: “Who are you and what is the identity that you have chosen for yourself?”

Conduct an experiment: If you only ask the first part of the question, “who are you?” almost everyone that you meet will answer it by telling you their name or, sometimes, by adding their position or the designation, which they hold in their organization, or by explaining what they do. This clearly points out, on the one hand, that most people – a very large majority – have no sense of identity other than the names that they were given or other than the jobs that they are performing. While, on the other hand, it is an indication that we are, generally, so devoid of a sense of identity that we search for it in such things as our positions, designations, and achievements. However, the problem is that as a being with a conscious, as well as a conscience, we will not be satisfied with an identity given to us by someone else – even if that someone includes our parents, or elders. Neither will we be satisfied with an identity that is likely to change every time our position, work, responsibility, or social status is changed by the circumstances.

Thus, our sense of identity not only gives us stability in our ever changing, unpredictable, and complex world and circumstances, it also gives a meaning to our lives; it provides us the strength to face our share of failures and difficult times in life; it gives us the courage to do what we understand to be right, even when the costs of doing right are high. In a way, it makes us fully human – conscious and conscientious – and connects us to a purpose larger than ourselves.

As a side note, it may be interesting to know that one of the reasons ascribed to the recent increase in the incidence of depression and even suicide – which is indicative of complete hopelessness and despair – is lack of meaning in one’s life. Viktor Frankl’s treatise, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ and the subsequent recognition of ‘Logotherapy’ as a branch of Psychology, allows me to say with confidence that striving to find meaning in life is the primary, most powerful motivating driving force in humans.

The idea of a lack of consciously developed identity and a lack of meaning in life reminds me of the large number of students – especially aspiring medical students – who invariably call me in a state of extreme hopelessness and distress, because of their low grades, which are insufficient for pursuing their further studies to become doctors. They clearly sound as if they have lost all sense of identity from their lives. The position and the emotional state of adults is not significantly different, when they are removed from their long-standing, cherished positions.

I do not intend to give the impression that in my opinion, such incidents in life should not be a cause of disturbance and sadness. They most definitely are and probably will continue to be. But, that is life, isn’t it? Things – unpleasant and unwanted – are also going to happen. Having a strong sense of meaning and self-identity will greatly support us in going through the turbulent times of life. This is precisely the message that I have discerned from Viktor Frankl’s ‘Man’s search for Meaning.’

Coming back to the point, I would like you to answer the question “Who are you and what is the identity that you have chosen for yourself?”

Take some time in trying to answer this question. Look past yourself and beyond your immediate needs, desires, and concerns. Look at your surroundings and see what is it that you care enough to contribute to the people around you. Is there any way that you can slightly reduce anyone’s suffering? Is there any thing that you feel moved enough to contribute to those for whom your contribution is of much more value than it costs you? Your identity doesn’t have to be something that challenges the whole world. It can be as humble as making a small difference in a single life – one life at a time. Something that you are moved to contribute as you go through all the ups and downs of your own life. Something that provides you a stable and a permanent identity – at least in your own eyes – irrespective of the changes in your position, responsibility, job, or status.

December 14, 2019
(Lahore, Pakistan)

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Who am I?

Life is strange!

Sometimes we do things in life without even thinking how lasting their impact can be and when we might be revisited by them.

When I started writing on the World Wide Web – back in 1996 – I changed my language of writing from Urdu to English. Before that, Urdu had been my primary language – at least for writing. I had worked hard to be able to write in a way that would be comprehensible for a common educated person. For almost seven years I wrote exclusively in the Urdu language. I have an impression from the comments of a few of my close and ‘blunt’ friends that I had developed into an acceptably readable writer.

In 1996, I was accidentally introduced to the internet. I was immediately stuck on the idea that the World Wide Web was the media of the future. I started thinking about how to use it. No one among my colleagues and teachers agreed with me at that time. In fact, I was sometimes even dissuaded and discouraged from trying to go for it. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a try – even if only as an experiment. It was then that I decided to revive my “prowess” of the English language.

Another factor that had kept me from writing in the English language – even though the institution that I was affiliated with was producing a monthly English journal of its own – was that my proficiency in the language was not considered to be of an acceptable level. One of my very well-wishing colleagues once remarked that if I wanted to write in English, I should learn some basic rules of the language first. Unfortunately, however, my impatience to express myself always overwhelmed and strangled the patience which was required to learn the art of expression.

It was in this background that in 1996 I started writing in the English language. Also, most probably, it was because of this background that my initial writings were written under a pseudonym.

We – humans – have the ability and the intelligence to justify our decisions and actions. We can fabricate an apparently morally superior motive for our decisions and actions than the one that is real. Although its been close to 24-years, but today I have a feeling that that was my case when I was asked to explain my reason for writing under a pseudonym. My answer then was that I do not want to write for fame or for being known. But, as I look back today – almost 24-years later – I have serious doubts that my answer fully depicted my intentions. I think a more accurate reason could have been my fear of failure that discouraged me from using my real name.

So, it was a pseudonym that I started writing under. The name that I selected for myself at that time was “The Learner.”

I liked the sound as well as the implication of this name. It clearly meant that I was not writing from a position of authority, but was actually using my writings as a learning process. It also continuously reminded me that there should be no place for the arrogance of certainty and closed-mindedness in my life as “The Learner.” Although, I continued writing under this pseudonym for almost a year, but I was so fond of this name that even my email address at that time had the same handle “learner.” This email address lasted for almost 8-years. Then, some time in 2005, I opened a “gmail” account, where I started operating my email account with my real name, after which “The Learner” was completely abandoned.

Thus, “The Learner” is what transpired in my life almost a quarter-of-a-century back.

A few months back, while reading a book, I was confronted with a very interesting and important question. The book asked me “Who are you and what is the identity that you have chosen for yourself?” It also reminded me that when faced with this question, we have a tendency to answer it by naming our position, responsibility, or work. Most of us may answer this question with words like politician, service-man, teacher, student, mother, father, manager, accountant, or bureaucrat, etc. However, these words do not tell who we are or what our identity is. On the contrary, these are all transient positions that we hold in the journey of our lives. Our identity should not be dependent on something that is transient, because then our identity too will lack any permanence. The key is to describe yourself with a name that is big enough to contain your whole life, as you imagine it today.

With all these instructions in mind, I set out on a search. It did not take me long to answer the question. My quarter-of-a-century-old pseudonym came to my rescue as the first part of my answer, and my learnings during these years provided me with the second part. I wrote down on a 3”X 3” post-it, which was lying on my study table:

I am a learner and a contributor to the rejuvenation of the human spirit.

 

December 05, 2019
(Lahore, Pakistan)

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