control – Reflections

“So, you think that the first step is to be fully committed to developing these qualities in ourselves. What other steps would you recommend to take?” I asked, a little sarcastically.

“I think one of the most important qualities that inspire students and children to learn is to see their teachers and parents as learners and to witness them going through the difficult, iterative, and complex process of learning themselves.” He said. I remained silent anticipating him to continue. After a few moments of silence, he added, “You see, witnessing our teachers and parents going through this tough and complex learning process, transforms our relationship with them – from teachers and parents, whom we are made to believe to be infallible and ‘perfect,’ we become peers and partners in learning. It develops a kind of a collegial relationship with them…”

As soon as he stopped to take a breath, I said, “But why do you think it is even desirable to develop a collegial relationship between parents and their children, and between teachers and their students? Don’t you think that developing such a relationship will reduce the control that the elders can exercise over the young ones?” I asked.

“So, before I continue talking about any subsequent steps that I recommend, let me very briefly say that learning flourishes in an environment of freedom. Control is a hindrance, rather than a support to the learning process.” He said, and then added, “Memorization of facts, regurgitation of these memorized facts, giving quick, un-deliberated answers to such questions that have a single correct answer, which is already known to the elder, and getting high grades in standardized tests should not be confused with learning. Learning requires a safe and supportive environment in which the learner can take time to deliberate, can take risks, can make mistakes and learn from them, can form theories and test them, can revise and refine them, and can remain relaxed, comfortable, and confident in this whole process. As you can imagine, an environment of strict and unrelenting control will miserably fail in providing such a safe and supportive atmosphere.”

January 21, 2020
Sargodha, Pakistan

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“If developing an altruistic bent is so important, then how do you think we can develop and promote this attitude in others, especially our young ones?” I asked.

He sat there silently looking at me for a while. Then his gaze shifted to his coffee mug. He picked it up, held it in both his hands – as if to warm his palms with its heat. Then he slowly took a sip and placed the mug back on the table at his side. It was as if he was moving in slow motion. Then he looked at me and said, “It is comparatively easy to sometimes control or modify another person’s behavior, to some extent. But altruism is not merely a set of behaviors. It is an attitude and a bent of character, and there is no short-cut or a sure-shot method to transform attitudes and character.”

“Are you implying that there’s no clear way to teach our children to be altruistic?” I asked, clearly disappointed.

“You are a parent as well as a teacher. I’ll share with you an interesting observation that I generally have about parents and teachers: What I have observed is that when a parent or a teacher comes across a piece of information that is valuable, they immediately start talking about how they can teach it to their children and students.” He said.

“What do you find to be wrong with that?” I asked, a little irritated this time.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, as such. Firstly, it is based on the false assumption that teaching will always result in learning. We tend to ignore the fact that ‘learning’ does not necessarily result from teaching – even good teaching – alone. More than good teaching, ‘learning’ requires the interest, curiosity, attention, comfort, and developmental appropriateness on the part of the learner.

“Secondly, I think that if we find something to be so valuable that we would immediately like our children and our students to know about it and make it a part of their character, then before anything else, we should make it a part of our own character. Without this transformation in ourselves, there’s hardly a chance of effecting a transformation in anyone else.” He said with a hint of a sympathetic smile on his face.

“Are you saying that if we are not altruistic ourselves, we should not teach it to others?” I asked.

“No. What I am saying – and it does not relate only to altruism, but to all those moral qualities that we aspire to see in our young ones – is that if we want to develop these moral qualities in others, the first step is to be fully committed to developing these qualities in ourselves.” He said.

January 8, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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