When Touched by Someone’s Altruism

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“Have you ever been touched by someone’s altruism?” I asked.

He looked at me with a very pleasant and a hearty smile, and said, “Some time back, I was with my wife in Dubai. We did not get a local number, so our internet connection only worked as long as we were in our apartment. One day – it was probably our second day there – we decided to go out for some grocery shopping. Using the apartment’s internet, we booked an Uber taxi and asked the driver to take us to the closest supermarket. As we arrived, I could see ‘Spinneys’ written on the building in bright green color. I asked the driver what that area was called and he told me that it was ‘Silicon Oasis.’

“We went inside the building and picked the things on our list. After about forty-five minutes, we were standing at the checkout counters with four bags full of groceries. After settling the bills, our next mission was to find the taxi-stand to get a cab that would take us to our apartment. We approached the security desk to find out where would we find the taxi-stand and to our dismay, we were told that there wasn’t any in this building. ‘Then where would we find a taxi?’ I asked and was told that we will have to take a chance, waiting at the front entrance for a customer who takes a drop there. ‘That is your only chance to get a taxi, other than using your phone and booking an Uber or a Careem taxi.’

“Neither of us was carrying our passport, so we could not get a local number. Now, there was nothing else to do but to wait. So, we stood at the front entrance, hoping for a customer to take a drop there. Many customers came, but none in a taxi. By this time, Dubai was engulfed in the dark of the night.

“Then – it seemed like a long time later – a young man in his late 20’s, who was approaching the entrance and was about to cross us, when my wife suddenly said, ‘excuse me, do you know how can we get a taxi here?’

“The gentleman answered, ‘if you want to get a taxi here, you will need to call Uber or Careem taxi.’ While we were talking to the gentleman, from the corners of our eyes we saw a tall and fair young lady hurriedly cross us, almost running into the supermarket.

“’But we don’t have a local number,’ I heard my wife say. The gentleman reluctantly pulled his telephone out of his pocket, but before he could even turn it on, the tall, fair, young lady who had hurriedly crossed us, was standing there with her cell-phone in her hand and asked, ‘you need a taxi?’ It was not really a question, as before we could answer, she was already booking one. Within a minute, she looked at the two of us with a smile and said, ‘it will come at the front entrance and this is its license-plate number,’ and as she started to turn back toward the supermarket, my wife said, ‘thank you very much. You’ve really been a great help.’ She casually turned back and said, ‘no, it’s ok,’ and she was gone.

“As she left, we looked at each other inquisitively. It seemed that we were both searching for the appropriate words to say when suddenly, she was back by our side and said, ‘sometimes, the cab drivers ask the name of the person who has booked the taxi. In case he does, my name is Maria.’”

Then he looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Yes. Maria’s altruism touched us.”

“How did it feel?” I asked.

“Very honestly, it made me feel that God had sent an angel for us.” He said with a smile and then added, “It made me feel that we were visible to the world; It made me feel that what was bothering us as a problem could be felt by someone else in the world too.  It made me feel that our existence was noticeable and it actually mattered to someone.”

 

January 5, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Why is Goodness Rare?

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“If we are all a creation of God – a moral Creator – who has made goodness inherent in all of us, then why do we find goodness to be so rare? Don’t you think that if goodness was inherent in all of us, it should have been more commonly observed?” I asked.

“First of all, I don’t think that goodness is as rare as we sometimes tend to think.” He immediately replied. Then, after a moment’s silence, he continued, “I think, we tend to see more of whatever you call the opposite of ‘goodness,’ because we become conditioned to focusing on it and expecting it from others. Thus, on the one hand, we expect it from others and, on the other, we notice it more.”

After a few more moments of silence, he said, “As for your question, what I call ‘inherent goodness’ does not mean that humans are supernaturally inclined and attracted toward doing ‘good’. It neither implies that people have more potential to do good, as compared to their potential for doing ‘bad’, nor does it imply that taking to the path of goodness is easier for people, as compared to avoiding it,” he said. Then taking a slow, deliberate sip of his strong black coffee, continued, “what it means to me is that we feel more elated and at peace inside when we do what we consider to be good, even if treading this path can occasionally be very difficult and can sometimes entail huge costs. I also think that we are in a state of inner conflict, disturbance, and, sometimes, even guilt when we indulge in something that we know to be wrong, even if doing so gives us immediate pleasure and gratification of desires.”

“Even if that is the case, why do we not see more of goodness around us? Do you think people don’t value this state of inner peace and serenity?” I asked.

He looked at me with a strange kind of pain in his eyes and said, “can you think of a time when you knew what was the right thing to do, but you still didn’t do it for some reason?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, hoping I would be able to avoid answering his question.

“For instance, can you think of a time when a small action on your part could have saved someone from a big…,” I could not wait for him to finish and interjected, “yes, once while traveling on a bus, I could have saved an old man from a big hassle and a lot of embarrassment, by paying a very small and insignificant amount for his ticket. I could not bring myself to take that step and sat there frozen, while the ticket checker forced him out of the bus. Whenever that thought comes to my mind, I feel extremely sorry for it and wish I could, somehow, do something about it now.”

“I really can understand that,” he said, and asked, “Had you been able to help that old man on that day, how would you have felt today, recalling that incident?”

I thought for a while and then said, “I am sure, the memory of the incident would have been a source of extraordinary joy and great pride for me.”

“Yes, I am sure that it would indeed have been one.” He said, and then after a few moments of silence, added, “what do you think held you back from taking that step?”

“I can’t say exactly what hindered my taking that small action,” I said and then added as an afterthought, “maybe, I just did not want to stand out from among so many people sitting in the bus; maybe I didn’t want people to think of me as a pompous and a pretentious person.”

“I can understand that. Really! I can relate to that too. There have been times that I have felt exactly that way,” he said. Then after a pause and a couple of sips of his coffee, added, “many times, we avoid doing the right thing, because doing the right thing can entail an immediate cost or a loss of benefit – even if the cost is just to stand out of the crowd. This potential cost or loss of benefit may or may not be huge, but it is generally immediate. And in our desire to avoid that cost, we miss out on the opportunity to do the right thing and, thus, miss out on experiencing the spiritual and moral elation that comes with doing what we consider to be ‘right’. Then, if we keep treading this path, it becomes a habit; And once it becomes a habit, we stop deliberating on our actions and their consequences – for ourselves as well as for others – and simply keep doing what will help us avoid the immediate costs and loss of benefits.”

I just sat there, trying to digest what he had just said. After a long silence, he said, “just think about it.”

 

January 4, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Why do Altruistic Acts Make Us All Feel Good Inside?

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“I have been thinking about what you have said regarding altruism. I find it very strange that with so much diversity in our cultural, economic, educational, religious and socio-political backgrounds; so much difference in our nurturing; so many variations in our concerns, desires, and aspirations, we all feel good inside when we act in altruistic ways. If this is really so, what is the source of this common trait?” I asked.

He quietly looked away. His eyes were staring blankly into the open space outside the window. It seemed an extraordinarily long time before he looked back at me and said, “Those who search for a cause for every effect would say that it is a gene that survived in humans in their evolutionary process. Societies that were more altruistic survived and flourished and dominated those which were not. Thus, the altruistic gene dominated and got transmitted to later generations.” He stopped and once again looked out of the window into the open space, before continuing, “those who believe that we are all a creation of God – a moral Creator – would say that this universality of feeling elated at performing altruistic acts is because of the goodness that the Creator made inherent in every human being.”

“I see,” I said and then with a mischievous smile added, “but which one of these two explanations do you prefer?”

This time, he immediately replied, “I believe that we are a creation of God – a moral Creator.”

 

January 3, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Altruistic Acts Make Us Feel Good Inside

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“My question today is that if a person is not looking for recognition, appreciation, or reward, then why would he or she do something for the benefit or welfare of another person? Are we not motivated to act in self-interest? In other words, my question is what moves a person to take an altruistic action?” I asked him.

Once again, he had the same proud smile on his face, when he said, “I think it is a big mistake to think that humans are motivated to act only in self-interest. Haven’t you ever seen people stopping and helping others who have met an accident on the road, even though they are completely unknown to them; or rolling down their car windows to give money to the needy, even though they might never see them again; or even just picking up a stone or a similar object lying on a path, that can potentially be a cause of stumbling for someone, even though they don’t know, who that person might be. I cannot see how such acts could generally be ascribed to self-interest.”

“If it is not in self-interest, then why do people do such things,” I asked.

“I think it is quite obvious that such acts make them feel good inside.” He replied.

“When you say ‘such acts make them feel good inside’, who are you referring to? Is it people of a particular country, a particular region, or the whole world? Does it refer to people of our time or to earlier times as well?” I was genuinely curious.

“It is my opinion that this is a universal phenomenon and is equally true for people of all times and all places,” he replied.

“What you are saying is that irrespective of a person’s educational, economic, geographic, or socio-political background, or religious affiliation, whenever one does good for someone else – without any self-serving, ulterior motive – it makes one feel good inside. Is that correct?” I asked.

“Yes. That is my opinion,” he replied.

 

January 3, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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What is Altruism?

“You keep referring to ‘altruism’ as a fundamental good. Can you please explain what exactly do you mean by that?” I asked him.

He smiled at me – a proud smile, which I had now become so used to seeing every time I asked him a question – and asked, “Have you ever done something in which you were only concerned about the welfare of or about satisfying a need of another person, without any other ulterior motive?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, “what do you mean by ‘ulterior motive?’”

“’Ulterior motive’ is a motive that lies beyond what is evident, revealed or declared.” He said. Then recognizing the confusion on my face, continued, “You see, there’s a danger of having an ulterior motive, whenever one does something good. One may be helping an old man cross the road – and this would definitely be a great act of kindness – but, one may be doing this great act of kindness for some other motive, not known to anyone other than himself. For instance, he may be doing it simply to be recognized as a good person by the onlookers, or to win their trust or confidence, or to be appreciated as a helpful individual, or simply to win the heart of someone he admires. But, remember, as I mentioned, this hidden motive will only be known to him. No one besides himself can know it with any degree of certainty unless he himself decides to share it with someone else. So, do you understand what is an ‘ulterior motive’ now?”

“Yes. I think I do. So, coming back to ‘altruism’, I understand that it implies doing something to benefit another person, without desiring to be recognized, appreciated or rewarded in return. Is that correct?” I asked.

“Yes. That is how I see it.” He replied.

January 1, 2020
(Dubai, UAE)

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Punishment by ‘Community Service’!

I was attending a meeting with an educational group. One of the members of the group mentioned that they had found an innovative way of punishing those students, who were found guilty of misconduct. He elaborated on his excitement thus: ‘When someone is found guilty of misconduct, he/she has to perform a fixed number of hours in community service.’ I could not hold myself back from interjecting him and said: ‘Community service as a punishment? Don’t you think a person should be subjected to it as a reward for something good that he/she has done, rather than as a punishment?’ Ignoring my question, he said: ‘This point is beyond the scope of this meeting. Secondly, we have had great results from it. We will, therefore, continue doing so.’ And that was the end of the discussion on this point.

I am strictly against the idea of controlling behavior through the Skinnerian or the Behavioral model of Rewards and Punishments. Much has and will be written and said on it. Today, my surprise at this idea of subjecting a perpetrator to mandatory hours of ‘community service’ forced me to write. It needs to be acknowledged at the start that this is not a new idea and may find its roots in the idea of the rehabilitation of criminals.

Without delving into the philosophical aspects of this point of view, there is one aspect that makes one cringe: Do we want to promote ‘community work’ in our young, as a punishment? A punishment, as the current social paradigm holds, is something that a wrongdoer is subjected to, which is considered humiliating and socially degrading. The whole idea can be summed up as follows:

When I have done something wrong, I should be subjected to an act that would make me feel more humiliated and degraded, compared to the pleasure I had gained from my initial ‘wrong’ doing.

Now, think about the whole idea again. Do we want to promote community service in our young as representing humiliation and social degradation? Shouldn’t it, to the contrary, be promoted as representing a special privilege that only the fortunate ones are allowed to undertake? As already mentioned, I am strictly against the behavioral idea of behavior modification, but it was only with this in mind that I had dared to ask: Don’t you think a person should be subjected to it as a reward for something good that he/she has done, rather than as a punishment?

We are so overwhelmed by the Skinnerian school of stimulus and response that we have completely lost sight of the fact that the element of perception that lies between the stimulus and the response plays a pivotal role in the ultimate and the long-term development of the human being in question. It is quite possible to get the desired response from the subject in the short-run (because of our control over the stimulus), yet in the long-run such stimuli, because of misperceptions (or simply different perceptions) on the part of the subject, can sometimes lead to results that are very different from what we had originally desired.

 

December 18, 2019
(Lahore, Pakistan)

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The Making of a Good Human Being

Close to the border of Punjab and Sindh lies the city of Rahim Yar Khan. I had to travel there from Lahore on the 8th of December, 2019. I had to conduct a workshop session there, the next day. This time, the topic was “Our Impact on those Around Us.”

One of the discomforts that I have to face because of traveling is due to my own finical and restricted taste in food. I don’t like eating out. So, sometimes I try to make do on fresh fruits or even a packet of potato chips. 9th December was one such day. After having completed my session, I returned to my room at the Sadiq Club. I asked the manager on duty if I could get an egg sandwich. I was informed that the club did not have an in-house kitchen. So, I decided to take a walk to a nearby shop and get myself a packet of potato chips and a lemon malt. The shop was hardly 250 meters away from where I was staying.

As I started my walk back, after my shopping, I was a little startled as a young boy on a motorbike halted right beside me. A sudden storm of thoughts flooded my mind. Was he going to snatch the bag of my potato chips and lemon malt? Was I being robbed? Abducted? As the storm subsided, I realized that the boy was too frail to abduct me. There was nothing in his hands even remotely resembling a weapon, so a robbery was also not a possibility. Finally, having come to a complete halt, he was not in a position to snatch the bag from my hand.

As I returned to reality from my adventurous imaginations, I heard him say: “Uncle, sit. I’ll give you a ride.” Surprised at his offer, I told him: “I am staying at this club, it is just a few meters away.” He said: “I’ll drop you wherever you want to go.” Not able to control my curiosity, I asked: “Why do you want to help me, son?” I was pleasantly surprised, when he replied: “Because I want to be a good human being.” Lost for words, I silently sat behind him on his motorbike.

It was a very short companionship, yet a very impactful one.

Within a few seconds, we had stopped at the gate of the club where I was staying. Again, for the lack of anything better that came to my mind, I heard myself saying, “Son, can I give you some money?” He smiled and said, “No. No. That will spoil everything.” I asked him, “Spoil what?” He replied, “My effort to be a good human being.” I asked him again, “Seriously, why did you help me?” He replied, “My father used to tell me to help others, in whatever way I can. He used to say, ‘it is best that you help strangers, whom you are not even likely to meet again, as that will keep your heart clear of any expectations of a return.’ That, he used to say, is what makes a good human being.”

That was the last that I saw that young boy. As I was walking to my room, I was thinking about his father. He must have been an unusual man. In these times, when most parents only want to know about their child’s grades and scores, he was an exceptional parent, who ignited a very different aspiration in his son’s mind.

I entered my room and started preparing to review the material for my session scheduled for the next day. As I opened my files, the title of the session caught my eyes: “Our Impact on those Around Us.”

The smiling face of the young boy was clear in my mind.

December 15, 2019
(Bahawalpur, Pakistan)

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Who are You?

Today, I would like to direct the same question to my friends, which I tried to answer for myself in the last post: “Who are you and what is the identity that you have chosen for yourself?”

Conduct an experiment: If you only ask the first part of the question, “who are you?” almost everyone that you meet will answer it by telling you their name or, sometimes, by adding their position or the designation, which they hold in their organization, or by explaining what they do. This clearly points out, on the one hand, that most people – a very large majority – have no sense of identity other than the names that they were given or other than the jobs that they are performing. While, on the other hand, it is an indication that we are, generally, so devoid of a sense of identity that we search for it in such things as our positions, designations, and achievements. However, the problem is that as a being with a conscious, as well as a conscience, we will not be satisfied with an identity given to us by someone else – even if that someone includes our parents, or elders. Neither will we be satisfied with an identity that is likely to change every time our position, work, responsibility, or social status is changed by the circumstances.

Thus, our sense of identity not only gives us stability in our ever changing, unpredictable, and complex world and circumstances, it also gives a meaning to our lives; it provides us the strength to face our share of failures and difficult times in life; it gives us the courage to do what we understand to be right, even when the costs of doing right are high. In a way, it makes us fully human – conscious and conscientious – and connects us to a purpose larger than ourselves.

As a side note, it may be interesting to know that one of the reasons ascribed to the recent increase in the incidence of depression and even suicide – which is indicative of complete hopelessness and despair – is lack of meaning in one’s life. Viktor Frankl’s treatise, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ and the subsequent recognition of ‘Logotherapy’ as a branch of Psychology, allows me to say with confidence that striving to find meaning in life is the primary, most powerful motivating driving force in humans.

The idea of a lack of consciously developed identity and a lack of meaning in life reminds me of the large number of students – especially aspiring medical students – who invariably call me in a state of extreme hopelessness and distress, because of their low grades, which are insufficient for pursuing their further studies to become doctors. They clearly sound as if they have lost all sense of identity from their lives. The position and the emotional state of adults is not significantly different, when they are removed from their long-standing, cherished positions.

I do not intend to give the impression that in my opinion, such incidents in life should not be a cause of disturbance and sadness. They most definitely are and probably will continue to be. But, that is life, isn’t it? Things – unpleasant and unwanted – are also going to happen. Having a strong sense of meaning and self-identity will greatly support us in going through the turbulent times of life. This is precisely the message that I have discerned from Viktor Frankl’s ‘Man’s search for Meaning.’

Coming back to the point, I would like you to answer the question “Who are you and what is the identity that you have chosen for yourself?”

Take some time in trying to answer this question. Look past yourself and beyond your immediate needs, desires, and concerns. Look at your surroundings and see what is it that you care enough to contribute to the people around you. Is there any way that you can slightly reduce anyone’s suffering? Is there any thing that you feel moved enough to contribute to those for whom your contribution is of much more value than it costs you? Your identity doesn’t have to be something that challenges the whole world. It can be as humble as making a small difference in a single life – one life at a time. Something that you are moved to contribute as you go through all the ups and downs of your own life. Something that provides you a stable and a permanent identity – at least in your own eyes – irrespective of the changes in your position, responsibility, job, or status.

December 14, 2019
(Lahore, Pakistan)

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